Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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