I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
