I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize