I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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