What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
