ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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