Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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