there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
My friends, they love my intelligence
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
