i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Someone signed my nipple.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize