The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
