Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
