I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
