awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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