im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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