yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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