I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
