Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
