I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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