I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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