The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize