My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
