My sheets look like a crime scene.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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