I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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