I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
