if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
