If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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