I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
