ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
honey bunches of taint.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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