I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
