thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
