what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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