Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
