Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
