You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
