I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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