Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
