Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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