The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
