I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
