oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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