That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
