suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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