well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
