I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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