filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
