Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
