I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
