Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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