Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
