I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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