The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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