Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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