two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
