those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
