i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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