i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
