Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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